Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
You Might Also Like
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket