Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
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[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
I’m ready for Halloween this year
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
I wish I were this cool 😂
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.