“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
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LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
It’s a gift
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.