He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
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After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Spring of Deception
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!