Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
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I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows