Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
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Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies