I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
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You take the oxy out of oxymoron
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?