Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
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Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.