– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
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my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Don’t we all.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.