Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
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The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.