My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
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GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN