If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
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When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Spell check is for lasers.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band