All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
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I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late