I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
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Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Word!
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.