the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
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Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.