my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
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The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Those are good neighbors.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Schrödinger’s cookie
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.