I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
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Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*