ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
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I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people