The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
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*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off