My birthstone is kidney
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I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords