me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
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I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
worst…sale…ever