My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
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All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
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According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Watson was Holmes schooled
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself