[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
You Might Also Like
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”