if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
You Might Also Like
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
I’m having an out of money experience.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.