Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
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Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
nobody’s gonna understand
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.