Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
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when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.