A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
You Might Also Like
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
My dress code is business-casualty.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Thrilling chase underway
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri