Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
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Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.