Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
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doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
I remember when things only cost an arm.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*