Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
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When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Hey i am sexy to you now
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
How funny!
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”