Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
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do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
termite twitter scares me
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair