My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
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Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover