Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
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agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
それは草
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Mmmm. Shoeshi
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Sex so good you see dead people.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes