First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
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reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.