If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
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State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Ovenable?
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.