You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
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Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Poetry is my passion
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
me refusing to leave twitter
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window