smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
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Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.