If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
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KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
no such thing as a dumb question
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella