I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
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“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
My rock bottom keeps refreshing
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
🚲+physics = winner
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.