Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
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13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me