Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
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M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.