My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
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Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
live long and prosper!
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??