Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
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The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!