Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
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squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today