Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
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My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
I have never related to anyone more.