for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
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Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
After 35, your body ages in dog years
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
spicy snake
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
used to be as a frog you could say “ribbit.” but you can’t do that anymore. because of croak
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea