I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
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Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Not today
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.