I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
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Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.