I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
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What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Social distancing in Australia:
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
as is their right
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.