Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
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“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs